Delving Below

I find all kinds of interesting forgotten things when I go delving around in old boxes in the basement. I was searching for some of my Tree Free Greeting cards today so that I could send one to my mother-in-law for mother's day. I knew they were hiding somewhere in the basement. They were of course in the last box I thought to check. But during the hunt I came across some other interesting things:

* My home-made Wiz-War game set. An addictingly entertaining game. Too bad it was never reprinted. The next unsuspecting visitor to my home will be forced to play this.

* Photos of my brother and I at the Takashi Murakami installation that was a pleasant surprise at Rockefeller Square in NY when we were there years ago.

* My old Rapidograph technical pens. I had a real love-hate relationship with these things. On the one hand, they were my treasure, $50.00 bought from my hard saved stash of Chinese New Year lucky money as a teenager. But they were more trouble than they were worth, always getting clogged. I prefer nice disposable gel pens these days. Picking them up, I got flashing visions of laboring over a sinkful of hot water trying to unclog stubborn nibs.

* An unsent letter from 2001. I suppose it got lost in a shuffle and I forgot to ever mail it.... I was in Japan, having just quit (sort of) my software job. As I read this again in the dingy basement it struck me how confused I was back then. It's easy to forget, now that I've found my niche. I'm often asked by artists who are starting out how I went about it. Well, this isn't that whole story (maybe I'll get into it another time), but it is a glimpse into some of it. The intended recipient never got to read it. Someone should.

* * *

October 14, 2001

Dear ##### --

Greetings, from Japan.

So... I am here now. It is very odd how quickly it went from being something in the distant future, to Now. No longer speculation and the safe distance of "a time yet to come." The weeks sped past, and then I was giving notice to the landlady. And then to work. And then after a flurry of stress and packing and unpacking and packing once again (San Francisco ->Los Altos -> Tokyo), suddenly theee months have whirled past and that date that was "three months from now" has become "two weeks ago".

I finished a book today - The Forgetting Room by Nick Bantock. It's a combination of art and story. Anyway, the thing I thought might be of interest to you, and worth sharing, was an excerpt in there of one of Garcia Lorca's poems:

The duende is a power.
The duende is of the earth...the dark sounds, a struggle, not a concept.
The duende is not in the throat, it surges up from the soles of the feet.
It is of blood, of ancient culture, of creative action.
It calls one out.

*

I have settled in here finally I think, after two weeks. It still feels a bit like an extended vacation, but I have not been lazy!

You see...at first, months ago, the Grand Plan* was to go here and work for Plumtree Software part time and do art as well with the rest of my time. But in July I went to a fantasy convention**. I was there as an artist for a small company I did some illustrations for - they paid for the trip in order to have me there at their table to talk to fans/customers. Well it gave me a chance to go and be among other artists who had made that world their life. For four days, I mingled with them, asked questions, was welcomed by them, and when i got home I suddenly wondered what was I doing as a programmer? I was so demotivated at work, and at night I was painting in a frenzy.

The need faded a bit after a month, though I kept wondering if I should quit Plumtree. I could do it. Monetarily at that point, art brought in enough. But...I would miss the people. But...there's the apartment. But but but....

At the end of August I went to another convention in Atlanta***. I'm afraid after that, my "but's" were evident to me as only excuses. And so...after considering it for a month, I told Plumtree I would not be working at all in Japan.

Thus...I am here, on indefinite leave of absence from Plumtree (though I doubt I will return to it) working full time as a freelance artist.

I went to a flamenco class‡ last Tuesday. Afterwards I came home and flopped to the couch, exhausted. And then it hit me -- that I could lie there and luxuriate and enjoy relaxation without the nagging feeling that I should be painting with those sparse two hours I had in the evening. Because I can paint all day now and do all the other things I want and need to do at night. I can read, or write this letter to you. It's such a wonderful feeling of freedom!

[....]

* * *

* The "Grand Plan" upon leaving Berkeley was to spend 2 years maximum at a software job while working my way into art. In the end the lure of the dot-com era and stock options kept me for 3.5 years.

** It was my first Gencon. Until then, I'd only attended small local shows, and the prospect of flying somewhere for a convention was daunting!!!

*** My first Dragoncon. I was fortunate enough to be sitting next to Robin Wood. She scolded me plenty for spending far too much time away from my table when I could have been making many more sales. But I was pretty wide-eyed and couldn't get enough, wandering around.

‡ Flamenco is surprisingly popular there. Had no trouble finding a class to take, and it was a nice way to meet new friends, seeing as I spoke maybe five words of Japanese.